Simp: A seemingly genuine man that acts friendly, but is really trying to buy their way into a woman’s pants. They can be seen begging, being highly agreeable, and giving expensive gifts to women they just met, amongst other things.

-Urbandictionary.com

Great. Now you know what a simp is. Confetti.

*’’**’’’*’\o/**’**’*’’’

With that out the way, get Boyz II Men and their music the hell out my face. Bunch of no self-respect-having simps. Yeah, I know I’m about 17 years too late. And yeah, I know this is probably even more pointless because I’m pretty sure Boyz II Men moved to Venus or something in like 2002. I hear you. Don’t care. I’d rather listen to Young Thug sing hymnals standing behind a box fan. I’d rather peel duct tape in an empty warehouse with aluminum siding while Meek Mill tries to whisper in my ear. Bunch of saccharine-lined simps. You had me fooled for a while, Michael, Nathan and ‘em. But guess what? I grew up and realized how full of simpin’ y’all were.

Why do I even care about some barbershop super-quartet of yesteryear, anyway?

………I debated R&B music with a woman, that’s why. I walked onto a bumper car rink looking for an SUV, I know. Anyway, the whole discussion wasn’t even the clusterfuck I thought it would be. She named her favorite current artists, as well as her favorite Golden-Era groups (Golden-Era = 90s R&B for us mid-80s babies. We ain’t out here shoop-shoobee doo waaaaaah’in with The Chi-Lites or whatever) and it was cool. That is, until she mentioned Boyz II No-Man-Would-Ever-Play-Himself-THAT-Bad, while opening and closing her fist- and occasionally pointing- in front of her face. It looked like she was checking her nails after every other syllable, being Unbothered nshit. It was kind of hypnotizing…

“Blackstreet (open), Boyz-Tew (point; she’s from Baltimore, by the way) Men (close)…”

The very mention of those simps made my left eyelid close a little. Of COURSE women love them; they humiliated their way to the panties. Don’t believe me? Peep “End of The Road”. Some epic simpin’ begins here.

I even love how the video I shared spells the name wrong. Because…get Boyz II Men the hell outta here. Matter fact, let me write these words down so you can see the VISUAL, RIDICULOUS, PATHETIC SIMPIN’:

Wanya (Or Michael. The simp with the deep, Dresser-from-The Five Heartbeats-voice):

“Girl, I’m here for you. All those times at night when you just hurt me and just ran out with that other fella…baby I knew about it; I just didn’t care. You just don’t understand how much I love you, do you? I’m here for YOU. I’m not out to go out there and cheat at night- just like you did baby- but that’s alright…I love you anyway. And I’m still gonna be here for you until my dying day, baby. Right now, I’m just in so much pain, baby, because you just won’t come back to me, will you? Just come back to me! Yes baby, my heart IS lonely. My heart hurts baby, because I feel pain too…”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….wut?

This is why I love the current batch of Ratchet&Blues artists. There’s less Boyz II Men and Keith Sweat simpin’ and more Chris Brown ‘I’m kind of sick of all of you crazy women but you don’t care because you’re still gonna listen to it and dance hahaha #swagswagswag’. It’s ironic because R&B used to be the music women ran to when they were tired of being called out of their names in rap lyrics; now they’re being called out of their names by dudes harmonizing at the same time. I don’t love today’s R&B because of that fact, though. Well, I kind of do. But I love it more because dudes aren’t out here begging QUITE as much.

“But what about REAL R&B artists like Maxwell, Erykah Badu, and Ji…”

Shut up…nobody cares about those Shea butter songs. Nobody other than the people I talked about in this poem. I ran out of jokes for those people a year ago. Let’s move on.

Matter fact, let me run down your R&B icons right quick. Usher and Trey Songz died to me in 2010, Keyshia Cole’s music stopped being good after life got better for her, Tinashe is too new and please don’t get me started on Beyonce. To hell with Jhene Aiko’s…maaaaaan…nevermind (word to Kurt Cobain), The Weeknd, August Alsina (Miguel, you’re cool) and Party Next Door. All hail Chris Brown.

Breezy is quite possibly the greatest R&B singer and magician ever. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing us he didn’t exist, right? The greatest trick Chris Brown ever pulled was making these women love him. I love it. You hoes ain’t loyal- yet dance…kinda unloyally, really- to his slander of you. Hahaha #swagswagswag.

I don’t even actually know what my point is. I guess…Boyz II Men is the worst thing ever? Yeah, we’ll go with that. There have been so many R&B songs/groups to just really put men in unpleasant situations, I’m cool with Young Breezy. Thank God I wasn’t old enough to get a woman’s side-eye at Wanya’s (Or Shawn. Whatever simp that was) Simp of the Decade on “End of the Road”. Praise Jeebus I didn’t have to deal with the Jagged Edge “Let’s Get Married” fallout. I’m lucky to never have to ‘beg like Keith Sweat’. Sorry. However, I love, love, LOVE being able to yell ‘these broads ain’t loyal”.

A.J. Armstrong doesn’t hate women at all; his mother is a woman. He loves how your beloved Simp Music has forsaken you, though. He is also the creator of The Fly Hobo and His World of Oddities