“Why do you suck so much at this game?”

“Because…fuck you. That’s why.”

Dictionary.com defines asshole as ‘a stupid, mean, or contemptible person’. I’m surprised somebody actually defined that word. I don’t think that really accurately defines it, though. An asshole, to me, is somebody that does things out of spite and is intelligent enough to make those spiteful things clever. An asshole won’t send a Father’s Day card to a couple that had an abortion; an asshole would buy the card, rip it in half, write ‘Almost…whew’ under the printed text, and hand deliver it to them during a quiet Sunday dinner. Well, that might be a little mean but it DAMN sure isn’t stupid.

Ignore my last post; that was me being an asshole. This is me trying to explain the inner workings of asshole-ness to you all. This is me separating the assholes from the immature audience that will just shout (or type) profanities for no other reason besides immaturity. Fuck that shit. Fuck it to hell. Fuckitty fuck-fuck, B. I’m an asshole; not an immature shit-talker that talks shit because shit is a really cool word to say over and over. I mean…SHIT.

Asshole is a term too widely used, as far as I’m concerned. That racist cop stopping young Black males in Vance County for no reason other than being Black isn’t an asshole; he’s a racist cop that loathes his life. His wife has been breaking scales for the last 12 years and his son dressed up as his favorite rapper for Halloween. Of course he’s going to be all in my shit. That’s not an asshole. That’s a guy frustrated that his shift prevents him from going to the VIP room for happy endings at Christie’s Cabaret.

Let’s talk REGULAR assholes. Regular assholes shut down the government over healthcare. Regular assholes become Business majors and explain to you how difficult being a Business major is. Regular assholes say they’re flirts but get mad when somebody takes those flirts seriously. Regular assholes are Red Sox and Yankees fans.

Now, let’s talk REAL assholes. Real assholes snatch bags from kids with crutches on Halloween. Real assholes go to war without any approval from the United Nations and forces a nation to sigh and vote for a Black man to take his position. A real asshole Rick rolls me while I’m looking up racist George Bush moments. Real assholes are evil geniuses. Real assholes killed Mufasa and blamed the dark skinned lion. Bill O’Reilly is a real asshole; that man is smart enough to evoke rage in Black men and, in turn, bolsters his ratings. You genius, you.

Am I REALLY an asshole? I’d like to think so but I don’t think I am. I’m just a guy that saw the deep end and drowned a baby gerbil in it. I’ll row by in my canoe and poke fun at your cruise ship, yes, but that’s not really an ass move. That’s just a guy that has just given up on the world and does what the MOTHERFUCK he feels like doing. This is a guy that went to Boston and counted all the Black people he saw (17) and kept a mental note just in case he wants to hold a rally in a hotel ballroom promoting the expansion of Mrs. Winner’s to The Hub. Yeah…no, I’m not quite the asshole you think I am but, Lord willing, I will be.

 A.J. Armstrong is not a complete asshole; he only plays one on blogs. He is also the creator of The Fly Hobo and His World of Oddities.