“LOLZ…wut?”

-God

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-The GOP

This is all Cam Newton’s fault. Better yet, it’s OUR fault for putting our hopes in a dude that writes like this. The illogical rage that engulfed white America made him Ours, though. The man described his teams’ march to last season’s Super Bowl as a process akin to preparing succulent, seasoned collard greens. Then he went out and lost, alienated his supporters, and began dressing like Stanley Ipkiss. 2016 is on you, pleighboi.

The world changed when Our brash, bumptious, brazen, Blackity-Black savior lost to an anthropomorphic bobblehead-ass quarterback with no neck muscles. I had never heard of the Zika Virus prior to February 7, 2016. Nashville was still airing on ABC. The Golden State Warriors were still dominating. Lil’ Wayne was merely pleasantly ignorant. And Donald Trump was a hilarious representative of Middle America’s ridiculous sensibilities, but not a viable threat. Nine months (and a summer full of Warriors jokes) later, Prince is dead and the country is about to be run by the human embodiment of the Annoying Orange. Damn you, Cameron.

I offer neither explanation nor commiseration; I don’t know what the hell happened. I guess I should be mortified, but I’m not. These next four years are about to be AMAZING. The Donald is going to turn his inauguration speech into an exercise in shit-talking that may reach Diddyian levels. To which he’ll then combine with several cups of Mayweather. That first Correspondents’ Dinner is going to be glorious. I envision Trump using every single Obama jab he typed up and stored in his drafts for the past two years. He deserves to gloat. He did the impossible. Rich white men that are otherwise mediocre at life NEVER tend to prosper. Especially at the expense of women and people of color. Celebrate, (not so) young Donnie. Celebrate like a Cam Newton first down in a game no one should be surprised you ultimately won.

I offer what I can: raging pessimism with tinges of sociopathic behavior. Shit ain’t good but it’s damn funny. I know this pussy-grabbing, Valencia orange clownfart is going to run the country into a ditch filled with syringes and dead goldfish; I’m just too fascinated to duck and cover my ass from it. I almost commend the American dedication to racism, sexism, and xenophobia…until I remember that it’s racism, sexism, and goddamn xenophobia. Racism seems inconvenient as hell, so I respect the commitment to being an awful person. Who am I to endorse societal decorum?

You guys offer what you can: faith in God. However, if you know Him like I know Him, then you know He’s been laughing at all of us for…mmm…the past nine months. Right after Cam lost to a team led by the live-action Jimmy Neutron, actually. Why, you ask? Because he’s a douc-*

*The previous statement has been redacted. This is not due to controversy; it is due to the author’s amusement tha-**

**The previously previous statement has been redacted because what does God have to do with any of this?? If anything, Your Man chose Trump, so can somebody explain this religion thing to me because it see-***

***The preceding paragraph was an editorial by the author and is not sponsored by the author’s publisher, which is me, and…this is dumb. Just shut up and tend to yo’ mam-****

 ****God has a sense of humor and laughs at things that are funny; He told me as much during our meeting at The International Lil’ Uzi Vert Fan Club Summit in Dover, Delaware. This disclaimer is pointless.

This is all Cam Newton’s fault. Better yet, it’s OUR fault for tying our hopes onto a dude that neither relates nor transcends. The illogical rage that engulfed white America prevailed, regardless. They hated him because he smiled too much; or covered his head in a towel too often; or danced too long. He wasn’t supposed to be enjoying being who he was, much less celebrating it openly. Quarterbacks, like our Presidents, are not supposed to look like that, comport themselves in that way, and refuse to genuflect to the “norms” of the majority. Super Bowl 50 began a year of whitewashing as pushback to Our pushback. The rage exhibited becoming so blinding, progression took a backseat to suppression. The natural order has been restored and things are as they should be. And that line of thinking is so absurd, fear and disgust has been trumped by genuine amusement. But that, as Cameron Jerrell Newton has pontificated, “is all part of the game; we’re not playing ballet.”

The world is on fire, and A.J. Armstrong is content to bask in its’ glow. He is also the creator of The Fly Hobo and His World of Oddities