I’ve never been voted most likely to do anything. God willing, I’ll never become famous, infamous, scandalous, or a national story. The most attention-grabbing prom date wasn’t on my arm and Homecoming King went to somebody else. I’m not popular AT ALL. I’ve never trolled for followers, got naked for Likes, or asked celebs to ‘#FB’. My blogs aren’t any more popular, either. My own friends and family don’t even read these posts. They’ll share them, sure, but I can bet that if I got them away from their phones and computers and asked what they liked about what I’ve written, they would search their brains just trying to remember the title. I’m not popular and you know what? I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. I can get away with so much more shit.

Being popular means you have to appeal to a large group of people in some way. Being infamous suggests you cherish the thought of carrying around a bad reputation. Being Nobody gives you the freedom to be both, because who really cares, right? If I was out here giving away turkeys like Nino Brown or driving old people to bingo or some magnanimous shit like that, it would be hard to maintain that goodwill in three hours when I shoot a mall Santa with a pellet gun. Not that I would go all Riley Freeman on Santa, but you get the point; I like having the option.

How many popular people actually can do what they REALLY want without losing admirers or being followed by a crowd that is now laughing at them? Kanye West is now a caricature sketch that nobody really takes seriously, Justin Bieber shocked the world when he wasn’t as Canadian-ly humble as we thought, and Hitler’s infamy is his only narrative (and rightfully so). That’s kind of why I oddly admire George W. Bush. That guy was an absolute Nobody that just so happened to be related to some popular people and he never failed to remind us how much he didn’t care about our perceptions of him. But then again, he’s a Texan and they’ll be seceding from the rest of the country pretty soon anyway so that probably doesn’t count.

Being Nobody isn’t about being anonymous as much as it’s about not letting people affect your choices and having titles and labels define you.

All I’m saying is being popular is hard work. Being the enemy is pretty tough, too. But being Nobody is so unique and refreshing, I wonder why more people don’t do it. The constraints are lifted, the expectations are of your own creation, and the sheep around you become blindingly white. I’m fully aware of what others want to hear but I’m too busy setting up pig’s blood over your homecoming stage to care. Happy *expletive* New Year, yo.

A.J. Armstrong is the creator of The Fly Hobo and His World of Oddities; the blog site that is- and will forever be- proudly sponsored by Nobody.